Do We Belong
by CollinsJ
Summary: Science and all its facts can f*** you up
1. Chapter 1

**AN : This has nothing to do with my other stories, just a standalone. Do you think I should write another chapter or leave it as a one-shot? It's basically Maura's point of view. **

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Doctor Maura Isles' facts and figures led her completely astray. She dived head first in logic, and it now had utterly ruined her. She never once believed that some things should just be left as they are. Doctor Isles wanted to always know what exactly it is that things _were_. If there was no definition, she sought it out. All manner of experimentation and research was put into it, to derive a definitive conclusion. If there was none, then what ever it is was, was a lost cause.

That is the blunder she made with her relationship with one Detective Rizzoli. And now ten years into her mistake, she looked back and reminisced about the day she hand single handedly ruined her life.

_The week had gone really slow for Jane's liking. Not that she revelled in murder; she just really needed something to do all the time. So Maura suggested the detective do some 'light' reading with her. They had finished work on Friday and had the weekend off. Maura made a small dinner that was quickly consumed before the two were seated on the couch – reading. In order to get Jane's full participation, Maura suggested the brunette read the medical journal aloud. _

_Surprisingly, Jane was doing a good job, and even seemed interested and invested in what she was reading. This in turn, caused a different reaction in Maura. The doctor hadn't imagined that Jane reading medical terminology could be that arousing. _

''_Are you listening Maur? Because I'm kinda doing this for you''. Jane was closing the book and already placing it on the centre table._

''_I am paying attention, but not to the right things''_

''_You wanna tell me what exactly it is you are concentration on instead?'', the brunette raised her eyebrows in question._

''_You'', Maura answered truthfully._

_That's when Jane finally caught up. The look in Maura's eyes was feral, and God did she just scream sex or what? They wasted no time thinking about the consequences of their body's needs and just fell right into the trap. After indulging themselves in admittedly the best sex of their lives, the best friends lay on the area rug on the floor wrapped up in a 'throw'. Maura was the first to bring reason into the situation, as always._

''_We need to discuss this''_

''_Now?'', Jane complained._

''_When do you prefer then?'', Maura asked with feigned understanding._

''_Can't we just let it be? Do we have to 'discuss' it? Now?'' Jane wanted to just lie in the arms of the woman she loved and not complicate things with words. Jane always believed in the power of actions. Their love making should speak for its self, no need to attach complicated words to the situation._

''_You can't be serious? This is a serious thing Jane. We are best friends, who just had sex. Shouldn't something be said about that?''_

''_You're right, something should be said'', Jane lifted her body up and leaned against the couch, beckoning Maura to do the same. ''I love you Maura, and I think you know it. I always have''_

_Maura let the words sink in. Everything Jane had just said was true, but that wasn't the root of her concern. ''I love you Jane, and I suppose I could also say you know that. This was really unexpected''_

''_It was, but I don't regret it. We'll be fine Maur''_

''_How do you know that Jane? We are best friends that just had sex. Isn't that as complicated as it gets?''_

''_If we didn't love each other, maybe. But we do, so we can work things out''_

''_How?''_

''_I don't know'', Jane was starting to sound exasperated. ''We'll figure it out'', she flailed her arms exaggeratedly. _

''_But when Jane? We need a plan. We need to talk about it and figure out how to handle this''_

''_Do we have to do that now though?''_

''_I would think so, yes. Are we going to go to bed and wake up tomorrow pretending as if nothing happened?''_

''_Of course not''_

''_My point exactly. So how should we move on from here?'', Maura tried to make Jane understand where she was coming from._

_Jane was losing her patience. She loved the woman, but she was driving her insane. Did everything have to be thought out immediately?_

''_Okay. You love me and so do I. We just had sex. So we keep doing that – loving each other and having sex''. Jane made it sound like the simplest and most obvious thing on earth. Maura wasn't having it though._

''_Just like that?'', Maura looked at Jane as if she had said the world was coming to an end. ''Do we start dating? Are we going to be seeing other people? Do we tell everyone? Do we start kissing in public? Do we move in toge-''_

''_Woah….Maur'', Jane put breaks on the medical examiner. ''I hadn't thought that far ok''_

''_Well you need to''_

''_Do you have to be so bossy all the time?''_

''_No. But you're treating this so lightly and it happens to be a very heavy topic. Our friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me Jane. Ruining that would kill me. Before anything horrible happens can we just sort things out, make a plan of sorts. Just so that when we wake up tomorrow morning we will be on the same page. _

''_I don't know about you Maura, but I will wake up tomorrow morning and treat you the same way I have for as long as I have known you. I will continue to love you, and protect you, and make you smile, and care for you – everything''_

_Maura was well ready to interrupt, but Jane stuck out her finger to halt her words. ''Because we are still trying to figure things out, I am not going to see, or even think about seeing anyone. And if anyone asks, I'll tell them it's none of their business until we are ready for everyone to know. Can we just start there for now?'', Jane looked at her expectantly. _

Maura asked herself for days at length after that little fiasco how Jane could ask something like that of her. How was it possible for two adult best friends to leap into a relationship without concrete plans? Didn't that scream disaster all on its own? Jane knew it; Maura couldn't understand why the detective would want to do such a thing. Maura herself felt a little unready to embark on such a journey. She was the sort of gal that prepared everything in advance. It was too messy for the Medical Examiner to be comfortable with.

But sometimes you just never know what you have until you lose it.

So while Maura was busy dissecting her friendship with Jane, weighing the pros and cons of drifting into a romantic relationship, Jane was finding a way to move on.

The brunette had felt terribly embarrassed over her overt display of affect for the medical examiner. The detective believed in her instincts and trusted her heart. She loved Maura and she knew it. She didn't see the need to plan the next fifteen years of their lives literally after their first sexual encounter. She believed in their love to know it would sustain them through the good and bad – it already had. She just couldn't fathom why Maura needed to be so specific and precise about every tid bit. What ever happened to letting things flow?

No, that obviously didn't sit well with the dignified doctor.

After weeks of Maura driving Jane to the brink of insanity with her logical talk, Jane put an end it. She told Maura they would forget about their night of passionate love making, 'call it a one night stand?' she had said. For reasons unknown to both parties, Maura had let it go. What Jane didn't know was that Maura had started thinking about it seriously. She had begun to analyse every aspects of their lives and was starting to see how they fit together. And what Maura didn't know was that Jane had starting seeing all the ways she could live her life without Maura romantically in it. When they both came to their solid conclusions (Maura wanting to have a go at a relationship with Jane, and Jane wanting to begin a relationship with Dean), they were both met with a painful kick to the gut – leaving them both breathless, Maura more so than Jane.

''_It's been three months, twelve fucking weeks Maur'', Jane yelled. It wasn't necessary, but she couldn't help herself. She was furious, and hurt, and scared, and confused._

''_I know how many weeks three months has Jane'', Maura responded with her normal calm._

''_Fuck that! I'm starting to think you don't''_

''_Jane!'', Maura looked horrified. Apparently the detective was more angry than she had anticipated. Jane had followed the blonde home after work, barging into her house without so much as a hello. She just got right to it. _

''_Maura, I have tried to talk to you all this time. I waited, I gave you time, fuck – I even gave you the stupid 'plans' you asked for. What the fuck else am I supposed to do?''_

''_You could start by not using the foul language''_

''_Fine'', Jane raised her arms in the air. Even if she was angry as hell with Maura, the blonde could still make her do just about anything._

_They stood in silence for a minute or so, Maura gathering her wits, Jane waiting – impatiently._

''_Dean asked me on a date, and I'm going'', Jane stated- matter of fact. _

_Maura had not seen that coming at all. ''What?''_

''_I said Dean asked me on a date, and I'm going'', Jane repeated._

_Maura was silent for a little while. ''well here I was thinking we could start something here'', she gestured between the two of them. _

''_We started something a long time ago, and you fu-, ignored it''_

''_I didn't 'ignore' it. I was trying to think about it Jane. To analyse how to navigate the relationship around our friendship and our work''_

''_So how's that going?'', Jane chuckled humourlessly. _

''_I was starting to believe we could do it''_

''_Well…..when you are SURE, and you have all your facts and figures in line, let me know''._

_That was followed by Jane's departure. _

Maura let her go. She knew Jane had tried, it was her fault. So Jane and Dean became a pair, and Maura swallowed the pill. It wasn't easy to begin with.

''_You aren't going to leave Boston are you?'', Jane asked. Maura had gone away for a week and Jane feared her relationship with Dean was going to drive her best friend away for good._

''_No, Jane. My life is here. I have no desire to start anew''_

''_Good. Because I would hate it if you left''_

''_I'm not going anywhere'', Maura smiled. She was working hard to convince herself._

They learnt to live with each other around the changes in their lives. Maura held a little hope, very little, up until Jane fell pregnant. And that's when her life started to fall apart.

**Three years ago (flashback)**

''_I would like to have a girl''_

''_Why'', Jane further inquired_

''_Well, I came to that conclusion when I realized I really had nothing to offer a little boy-''_

''_Come on Maur you're great'' Jane interrupted_

''_-I could take my little girl shopping with me, we could read together, play dress up. I mean, I wouldn't be so out of my element, whilst being out of my element. Do you honestly see me running around with a little boy shooting guns at each other and going for baseball games?''_

_Jane had to laugh; Maura kind of had a point. And the exact opposite applied for Jane. As if reading her mind Maura went on to say,_

''_I know you would prefer a son first, to ease you into motherhood'', they both laughed._

''_What would you name your daughter'' Jane went on to ask._

''_I was always set on Emily, but-'', that's how having a conversation with Jane went like, being cut after every three words. One honestly had to be patient._

''_Why Emily'', Jane sounded a tad condescending for whatever reason, or more likely for no reason._

''_If you had let me explain I would have got to that don't you think?'' all Maura got was a nod now. She continued_

''_Emily, after Emily Blackwell an American Physician of the 18__th__ century. Well actually she was born in Britain and-''_

''_Ok, ok, ok, I get it. Emily. I'm not up for the immigration lesson on how she wound up in America after being born in Britain. I do however, recall you saying 'but'''_

''_Yes, I eventually settled on Alanna''. This had somehow piqued Jane's interest and she managed to let her go on without further interruption._

''_It was after I met you-''. Jane looked at her incredulously._

''_-it is of Irish origin and means rock or handsome. The English translation however, took it to mean beautiful or handsome. I prefer to stick with the Irish meaning though''._

''_So where do I come in?'' Jane had to ask when it seemed Maura had finished her explanation._

''_Don't get this the wrong way, you are a beautiful woman, but you tilt more towards handsomeness. Like a handsome woman. And you are strong, and willed, and so driven in ways I never thought imaginable. You are unbreakable Jane, just like a rock, while simultaneously being my rock metaphorically. Since I met you Jane, whatever life throws my way I know I have you, and you are unmovable. So while I admired Emily Blackwell and her work and eventually wished to name my child after her, I changed my mind. I would be honoured if I had a daughter who was nearly as handsome and strong as you are. So Alanna it is. Oh and before you ask, I never put much thought into a boy's name''._

_Jane was at a loss for words, so ultimately chose to do what she would never resort to doing had it been anyone else. She pulled Maura into a bear hug._

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When Jane's first child was born, Maura couldn't bring herself to go to the hospital. It was too painful an endeavour, so she just asked Angela to inform her of the good news when it happened. She wasn't disappointed. After a short labour, detective Rizzoli's little girl took her first breath. After long minutes of being coaxed into leaving, Angela drove to Maura's as per Jane's request. She had an envelope that Jane instructed to be given to the blonde. Inside was a card with a photo of the little girl that Frankie had been persuaded into going to print immediately.

**Alanna Emily Dean**

**Born 17 May 2007**

**Time – 6:20 pm**

**Weight – 6lbs 2oz.**

There was a letter inside. **Congratulations, you are a God-Mother. I want you to play a very big role in this child's life Maura. She's going to be handsome, thanks to me. And smart, thanks to you. All just as you predicted that time. I never forgot. I love you. And I always will, you hear me. Baby Alanna will be expecting your visit tomorrow. **

Maura wept for the umpteenth time that day alone. She hated science for what it had done to her. She despised facts and figures to no end. Jane had chose _her _to be her daughters God-Mother. Jane wanted _her _in her childs life. Jane still loved _her_. And Jane had taken those names she spoke of years ago and given them to her daughter. Maura had never known such a love - the love Jane had for her. And she had never know such hate - the hate she had for herself. The only way she could fix it was to be what Jane needed, a best friend. She had to continue being _her _for Jane. She had lost her, and it was her fault.

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An agonizing ten whole years had passed. Maura was sitting behind the steering wheel of her black Mercedes gathering her wits. She watched as a metallic silver SUV pulled into Angela Rizzoli's driveway. Gabrielle Dean stepped out of the driver's side and jogged around the front of the vehicle to open the passager door for his wife. Immediately two little kids jumped from the back. Those kids were her God-children. The little girl was six, and the little boy was four. They belonged to Jane and both had her sharp features and dark hair. She loved them, so much, it hurt.

The four of them looked complete and happy. Ten years Maura lived with the pain of her mistake right in her face. Jane had given her a chance. Jane had wanted her, and chosen her. But she threw facts and figures and her stupid science in the brunettes face. Jane Rizzoli loved Maura Isles, but she had a life. She deserved to be happy. She wanted love, and a family, and Maura clearly wasn't willing to give her that – at least not when she wanted it. She didn't want to be the one picked after a survey and experiment had been conducted. She didn't want Maura's brain to choose to be with her, she wanted Maura's heart to make that choice. And when that heart failed, she moved on (painful as it was).

Maura had been proud. Too proud in fact. When Jane told her she was dating Dean, Maura should have begged for a chance. She should have asked for forgiveness and done all within her power to get Jane back. But no, she let Jane walk away. She told herself she would be fine. She wasn't. Far from it actually. Everyday her heart broke a little when Jane's kids would run to her and tell her they loved her. She would weep when Jane came to pick them up after a dinner date with her husband. For ten years her heart shattered piece by piece. Life had dealt her a hand that was just as good as death.

There was nothing else left of her. The fight within her was finished. She had used up her last drop of fuel to make the trip she had made today. Today she would say goodbye to Jane and her family, and walk out of their lives for good. She made her mistake ten years ago, and lived with the regret every day since then. She couldn't do it anymore. In order to preserve her sanity, and not succumb to the fleeting thought of taking her own life, she had to go. Now, and fast.

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**AN : I wrote half of the next chapter. If you like it and think I should make a rizzles ending in chapter2, or just leave it as it is let me know. **


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks for your support on this small piece I put together.**

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Maura couldn't make it into the Rizzoli household that day. It was Jane's 40th birthday party. She was foolish to think this was the day she would pick to go and say her farewell to everyone. Her rationalization had told her everyone would be there so it was easy to just say good-bye while everyone was congregated and not have to repeat it over and over again, or worry about who to tell first and so forth. But her plan was going to ruin Jane's big day, and that was not her intention. Not showing up for the party was almost as bad, but not so much. So she started the engine, and headed back to her Beacon Hill home. She would have to do it the following day.

True to her word, she drove to Angela's home first thing in the morning. Over the night she had become brutally aware of the fact that she couldn't face Jane and her children in the face to tell them she leaving for good, so she figured Angela would be the one to gently relay the message to them.

''Maura honey, why didn't you come yesterday? Jane said you texted that something work related had come up. Don't think you can fool me for one minute young lady, what's wrong?'' Angela always said so much, and so fast, and so loud, Maura seemed to have not adjusted over the years.

Words failed the doctor, as she began to sob. Angela gathered her in a soothing embrace and let her cry as much as she could.

''I'm so sorry Angela'', it came out painfully.

''It's fine sweetheart. Its alright''

Maura pulled herself together marginally as she started, ''I am going away, for good possibly, or a long time at least''

''Where to?'', the Rizzoli answered quietly. And then let out a sigh. Maura was surprised, she had imagined a whole different play out.

''To 'doctor without boarders''', Maura said surely.

''Are you going to tell me why?''. Angela pulled her so they could sit at the dining table side by side.

Maura let out a long sigh, ''I need to do something meaningful with my life. I don't see my place here anymore''

''I know'', Angela said surprisingly.

''Wha-at'', Maura stammered.

''I know honey, and we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to''

''What do you know?'', the doctor asked suspiciously. Angela had a horrid habit of leaping to crazy conculsions.

''Jane told me years ago what happened between you two''

Maura looked mortified. ''She didn't give me details'', Angela added quickly, ''But I pretty much got the gist of it''

''I'm sorry''

''Don't be. You don't have to be Maura. I just don't understand why you let her go though''

Maura hadn't expected to confide in Angela when she drove there. She had no idea the woman knew anything. But she couldn't deny that it felt so good to have someone to open up to after such a long time.

''I wanted to be with her, but she had found Dean''

''But you know she would have forgotten about him if you had just said''

''I know Angela. I wasn't entirely sure, but willing to give it a try. What if it hadn't worked out, and I would have ruined her chances with Dean? I couldn't do that to her. And I was proud, so proud. I didn't want to beg her, so I let her go'', Maura sobbed.

''Its ok, come here'', Angela embraced her again. ''She never stopped loving you'', the elder woman advised.

''I know''

''So why are you leaving?''

''I don't trust myself anymore''

''What do you mean?'', Angela asked confused.

''I'm scared I will lose my resolve one day and hurt her or jeopardize her marriage. I'm scared for my sanity as well, I feel like I am going insane. I can't stop thinking about her''

''You've been fine all these years, you'll be ok''

''No. Recently I started feeling useless. I don't see my purpose anymore''

''Just give it a little time. And you have a purpose honey, don't say that. How do you think Jane will feel if you tell her you are leaving – or the kids, they adore you''

''That's the point exactly. I've….'', she trailed. She was sobbing again.

''Maura, what aren't you telling me''

''It just came to my mind one day, and I got so scared…''

''What came to your mind?'', Angela was worried immensely now.

''I had a fleeting thought. It only happened twice, when I thought maybe-''

''Maybe what?''

''That maybe I shouldn't be living''

Angela understood immediately what Maura was trying to say. And that was it, she knew the two friends had to have a serious conversation.

''I'm calling Jane''

Maura jerked up so fast, it startled Angela. ''please, don't do that. Please'', she begged.

''I'm not calling to tell her what you said. I just want you to talk that's all. I think if you just talk you can sort things out a little bit more''

''There is nothing to sort out'', Maura shook her head.

''As a third mother to you, I ask one thing''

''Yes'', Maura listened like a little child.

''Say good-bye to Jane, in person, before you leave. That's all I ask''

Maura couldn't deny Angela her request, and deep down she knew it was the humane thing to do.

''Ok'', she said quietly and nodded to emphasize her affirmation.

''Good. I will call her right away''

Angela was very confident that Jane could get the doctor to stay put. The worst would be that she could at least convince her to regularly return from 'doctors without boarders' for a visit. The older woman learned something very important from her daughter throughout her life. In fact, she learnt it not from being told, but from observing. And it was that love comes in different forms. She saw the love Jane had for Korsak. It was a respect kind of love. And then Frost. It was an admirable kind of love. She admired him and was a few times in awe of who he was and what he could do. Then there was her husband Gabrielle, that was a dependable kind of love. Jane knew no matter what, he would always be there for her and have her best interests at hearts. Her love for her family was a given. But then there was Maura. The love she had for her combined all the loves she had for everyone in her life, and so much more. Her love for Maura is what Angela had yet to find a word for. Yes Jane had moved on to Dean, but that did nothing to her love for Maura. Angela learnt that you don't necessarily have to be 'with' someone to be totally and completely in love with them.

She needed them to have just one serious conversation about their love for one another. She knew it was too strong to just wither away like nothing. So she dialled her daughter's number. Luckily it was Sunday and she was assured the brunette would be home.

''Hello nana'' Alanna greeted in her ever polite manner.

''Hi sweetheart, could I speak to mama please?''. Angela loved her granddaughter to no end, but was in no mood for pleasantries, there were much more pressing matters at hand, that needed to be tended to immediately.

As if sensing this, Alanna ran with the phone to Jane without another word, ''mama, its nana-''

''-hey, that rhymes!'' she sounded so pleased with herself.

''It does sunshine, you're a genius''

''I know'' Alanna confidently answered.

''And a humble one too. Go get your brother and papa, I am going to start on breakfast now''

Jane's mood when speaking to her mother more often than not, tended to be set on default.

''Ma, its 7am, on a weekend, what is it that couldn't wait till later'' you would have never thought it was the same person that was sweetly smiling at her daughter a mere second ago.

''Honey, you need to come here, preferably now, if you can'' Angela's voice didn't sound right.

''Ma, have you been crying? Is everything alright?''

''Yes Jane. Just leave the kids with Gabrielle and come over please. Its….it's really important.'' She stuttered.

''Gabrielle is about to leave, I have to bring them. You really need to tell me what the hell is going on ma''

''I can't say over the phone Jane, bring them with you, it's alright''. Jane just rolled her eyes. She knew her mother could be overly dramatic unnecessarily; this wasn't the first time she had pulled a stunt like that.

''K' ma , see in you in a bit then''. With that she got off the phone to made breakfast. When they were all finished Jane got Alanna and Johnny ready and headed over to Angela's.

''Mama, now that I am six, can my friends come to sleepover?''

''Welllllll….'', the suddenly nervous mother let it drag for a while. She knew this was going to start sooner or later. She just wasn't as prepared as she thought she would be.

''Mama I just asked a question. You said I was a big girl now didn't you?''

''We'll see sunshine. Depends on which friends you want over and if their parents agree.''

''Can I also sleepover at nana's tonight. It's the weekend and I asked papa before we left and he said ok''

''Why didn't you tell me when we were home so I could pack your things?''

''You were too dis…'' Alanna was wrecking her brain for the word

''Distracted sunshine. Sorry. I'm sure you have stuff at nana's anyway. And before you say it, I will come back home with my beautiful Johnny''

''I'm beautiful too'', the little girl deadpanned.

''Is that so? And who might I ask told you that'', Jane attempted a little British accent, referencing to the English movie they had watched the previous night.

''You mama, on my birthday. You said I was beautiful. Like the sunshine''. They said the last part in unison, and Jane spaced out for a brief while…..

…_. January 2005_

''_I am so nervous Jane''_

''_I know Maur, I can see it. I really wish you would just calm down. I don't get why this has to be such a big deal''_

''_It's a DATE Jane, a first one for that matter. Of course it is a big deal!'' It was a big deal to Jane, just in a different way of course. Nothing about Maura going out on a date impressed her. She was miserable. But Maura was her best friend before anything else, so she would support her whenever need be. _

''_You look great every day. Just wear what you normally wear and be yourself. I don't get why you are so worried''_

''_WEAR MY WORK CLOTHES!'' Maura's eyes nearly fell out. She looked petrified._

''_Mauraaaaa-'' Jane whined ''look at me, you look beautiful, with that dress you have on. If he thinks otherwise then there is definitely something wrong with him''_

_Maura was slightly appeased now, ''how beautiful?'' she teased slightly._

''_Like the sunshine''. Jane didn't need to think before she answered. And Maura, as if to prove that true, flushed Jane an incredible smile. A smile that lit up all of Jane's insides, just like the sunshine did._

Before Jane knew it, they were out of the car and walking up to Angela's place. Flashbacks involving Maura had become few and seldom occurred. When they did however, they left Jane in a painful state of melancholy, which thankfully could be effectively healed by her children. Johnny had latched onto her tightly and kissed her cheek as they left the car. That left her feeling much, much better. What awaited her at Angela's place however, was not something that could be healed with a tight hold and kiss on the cheek.

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**AN: Great, now I need a third chapter….woops!**


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